Hurt...the sequel

Wow, it seems years that I last wrote here...there are too many things in my life to attend to that I just couldn't spend my time for my blog...How do I start...

Time really flies, so fast like the blink of my eye...soon will be my birthday again...the past one year has been a rollercoaster ride for my emotions...early of the year was like very good...work was fine...but why can't disputes be brought to an end...actually it takes two to tango, doesn't it...one party should know by now how to halt disappointment and frustration once you see the sign...instead, now, most of the time, that party will only splash flavour to the dissatisfaction...and me, I don't have the freedom to say what I feel to my partner now...how bad could that be...who then should I talk to...

Sarcasm is thrown more often than not...no more affection to my pouring of heartfelt...no more listening ears that all the while have been my reassurance that alleviate all the strains of life...where are those warm and tender care that have comforted me in the cold nights and lonely weekends...are they gone forever or gradually saying goodbye to me...

Now, I more than realise who I am...I realise he can never be around whenever I need him most...I realise I don't have the privileges I thought I would enjoy...I realise I would always be crying alone in my bed...I realise whenever I miss him the most, I would never have the courage or freedom to get in touch with him...I realise he is never mine to start with...and most importantly, I realise, things WOULD NEVER be the same again...he WOULD NEVER be the person he was...even if I shed bloody tears...

My D:-

1. Never finds the time for calls or messages in weekends or long holidays or even when he's alone or when he's out of the house...

2. Seldom gives comforting words, yet, hurls wounding and spiteful words...

3. Doesn't enjoy his leisure time by spending it with me not like he used to...

4. Always finds excuses to be away or to be disconnected from me...how could he...

5. Hides things from me...

6. The person I'm closest with, the person I love the most and the person I admire and value a lot, the person I thought is mine all along, never would I thought he would do things he had done...this is the first time I mention in this blog though it had happened long time ago, in Dec 2008...all this while, he was very faithful to me and why suddenly there was an episode that had slashed and mutilated my feelings...until now I have never found the answer of why that drama ever started suddenly in that dreary December when I was so occupied, trying hard to maintain our name as champions...yet what did he do??? What really disappointed me are two things...

a) It happened when he was in a constraint and restriction towards me...yet he was more than willing to have time to be in call, text and email to a very non-related party...why and why?

b) He did not try hard to convince me otherwise like I always did when trusts became vague...

But I have forgiven you D...but I still hope that one day you would answer all the questions that keep on lingering on my mind for 1.5 years...I just can't even glimpse at that particular party...

I feel I am the gal that would do anything just anything at all for you, and do them really well...but do you see all that...yes I know appreciations are present, but do I deserve to be treated the way I was treated?

Everytime I felt like leaving everything, I would always remember the time we were together especially the 3 blissful weeks...that would stop me from making decisions based on my emotions...worse still, when I am alone thinking and waiting for you, every tiny details of our memories just came by, and it hurts more and more coz I know, the perfect moment would never come again, no matter how hard I wish it would...coz you are not you that I know anymore...even if it happens, it would never be the same...

I know that I'm waiting and hoping for something that has no ends...with all the reasons, I really understand...reasons are reasons and there are always means to dispute or defy the reasons...but it all takes effort and I don't see that coming now or in the near future...I'm just lost sometimes, do not know the purposes of my life anymore, all I know now is I want to make other person happy and I never care about my very own wellbeing...I still care for you like I have been all this while and I will gladly make sacrifices for you dear...

All I ask is a little care and love...coz I do not wish to have the third sequel in this hurt chapter...

Independence Day...

31st Aug is our country's Independence Day...it was also 12 years ago, the day Lady Diana died in a terrible accident...it was also 2 years ago I celebrated it happily at my daughters' school...life was good and pleasant then...I am actually writing about this month of independence...

My life has come to a "real super independent" came 15 Aug 2009...it was also supposed to be our mini anniversary, so to call...what does independent mean to me?

1. I have to do every single thing myself, be it a man's job...do I have a choice?
2. I have to bear all the responsibilities...
3. I have to always be available for my kids whenever they need me and fulfill their wishes as much as possible to the best I can......
4. My emotional burden is more, no shoulders to cry on when I'm alone at night...
5. My sense of wanting to be cared for and be loved shoots up...
6. I have to work doubly hard...
7. Fewer people to call "relatives"...

I am a strong lady, am I not? Without a doubt, but I always lose to my emotions...I am an iron person in front of my clients, but when I'm alone, only God knows what I am facing all this while...can D understand this wound aching inside me...

That's y D, I always have high expectations of you, but you may not realise and always take it wrongly...all I want is a little kindness and appreciation and a shower of affection plus some extra attention...is that too much to ask?

My life now is not flatlined...sometimes I feel the worst, at my wit's end, but it's always opposite when I'm occupied and really engrossed with my job, talking to my clients, of course...and with you D, it can be on either extreme, thus, you do play a role in determining and moulding my disposition and frame of mind...please D, it's for our benefits...I need you to lend me a hand on this...

Independence that is...I guess I'll get used to it, after all, I have been independent throughout my life, being alone without parents and siblings although this kind of independence is somewhat different...only those who have gone through this will know...imagine breaking fast in a very solemn mode, sahur in a very hushed and tacit surroundings...

Independent I am...

Of Birthdays N Anniversaries...

A new day has just shown its face minutes ago...and what day is it today? 12 Aug...the day that I looked forward every year eversince ... ??? And yet again this 12 Aug has disappointed me in every way...I guess I just have to wait for another 365 days...maybe next 12 Aug would be different...would be to my liking...

All I want is just a small fraction of his time to cherish together during this meaningful day, especially if it's of a certain number...40 that is...I know to him, birthday celebrations are meaningless, but not to me...birthdays and anniversaries are the days I look forward to every year...it's the time of joy and delight...especially of my dear ones'...but today or yesterday to be exact, I failed again...I failed to fulfil my valued wishes, again...of course I have to realise who I am in reality and that I should give way to the most "deserving"...who am I to dispute...I just wonder, when? Or perhaps, never...after all, I always get the second best don't I...

With me, it's always "no"...
With me , it's always "cannot"...
With me, it's always "I try"...
With me, it's always "maybe"...
With me, it's always "I don't know"...

But for you, it's always "yes"...
For you, it's always "can"...
For you, it's always "I will"...
For you, it's always "of course"...
For you, it's always "sure"...

D, my LI...I can feel that things have changed a lot with u...I longed for the time then when everything was on our side, when happiness was within our strong grasp...when fun was the game...when hardship and destitution were not in our dictionary...when reality was parallel to fantasy...

Now I feel deprived of love, care, tenderness, gentle and thoughtful words and emphatic whispers...that's all I ask for, can u give it to me D, can u?

D, my LI, wishing u a wonderful and elated birthday...may u be prosperous all your life...I'll always be there for you no matter what...

Murky and Melancholic Mois

Today is the last day of June...why is June so special and memorable? June is the month I was born, June is the month when lifetime promises made official, June is when my life was shattered and promises wiped-out...but I was more than prepared to face it all...

But today, I was stung and my feeling wounded beyond repair or healing...my life has been a wonderful journey though it was not smooth and velvety all the way, until today, 30th June 2009...I just found out the truth, the truth that I fear most...

Tell me, how am I supposed to go on...when affection and devotion were overly poured...when sacrifices were never worn out and exhausted...the "someone" that all this while I thought I could depend on...that I thought would never hurt me either intentionally or otherwise...that I always feel deep down belongs to me...but today, this tuesday has proven everything that I felt lately though it was strongly objected by that someone...I'm negative? Really? Doesn't he know that he is my strength, my true affection, my inspiration...

Today, I get to know that promises can simply be made, words can simply be uttered, dreams can simply be created...but now I do realise that those actions only happen during happy and blissful moments and can easily be forgotten in testing and distressing times...today I feel I lost a very precious thing in my life, when I just lost a big piece of thing just weeks earlier...today I feel I lost everything, my beautiful memories, my hope, my dreams...really, why should I feel so dejected and down in the dumps when I have already expected all these...maybe because I still believe in him...I still believe that I could get the best of him...

Today I feel very thwarted and let down with the reaction I received from him...after all that we've been through, I do not think I deserve this...after all, I'm the sole person that is around through thick or thin, through difficult and happy times, through laughter and sadness...despite everything, I am still here, never let temptations break through me to deviate away and away far from him...never, but today... why does he have the heart to say things that would hurt me, the person so close...why is he more than ever willing to let me go with the reason that I have to find the ultimate happiness...why does he ever regret what we have had...

Everything that happened to me, is from God, and I accept with open heart, and the consequences are all against me, and yet, I NEVER ever regret evertyhing that I've been through...not like him...who in reality, a very sensible, reliable and responsible individual, but........

Tonight when I'm all alone in my secure room, is the time when I feel the most stirred...I can only pray and hope that I am granted the strength to carry on with my life, a new life, a life full of unanswered questions...and to regain intensity in being engrossed in my career...from now on I can continue dreaming and hoping but different kind of dreams and hopes...because I'm just a solitary soul who wants to be loved and cared for...but solitary soul indeed...

Paris, je suis blesse...

It's been weeks since I last wrote...too many undescribable events, too many inexplicable occurences...I shed too many tears...il pleut dans mon coeur...

Paris, the city of lights, the city of romance, the city of love...I've been looking forward for my Paris spree since October 2007...and as time never dawdles, 20th April 2009 was supposed to be my Paris rendez-vous, seemed like it came in a blink of the eye...yet, nobody could ever challenge destiny...who could ever have thought that I would never make it...priorities are priorites, maybe these are all blessings in disguise...for weeks I had imagined myself being there, maybe "blesse" by what would have happened because it was all anticipated...back then, I just could not imagine being a solitary soul (though in reality I would actually be with a longtime buddy) watching performance and masquerade, commotion and palaver...worse still would be the time we would be in Brussels, Amsterdam and London...the auhentic 100% solitary me...yet, by 20th April, I was more than willing to face all that than not being able to go at all...after all, my ever dearest would always be within my enclosure...but...sob sob sob...things may happen for a reason, for the best reason and I may not realise it now...

Since 20th April, all I ever think of other than the matters at hands, is the ITINERARY...I see myself having lunch at Eiffel, cruising at River Seine and enjoying the infamous Louvre...Dior, Louis Vuitton, Aigner...and most importantly, in between, few precious stolen moments with my "petit ami"...can't stop think about the 8 1/2 hours bus journey to Amsterdam...I could imagine myself sitting alone while looking out the window appreciating the scenery while listening to the heart-wrenching songs from my Ipod...I'm sure there'll be stops and toilet breaks where I got to enjoy the cold and fresh air and of course being able to steal a glance at that familiar face, all smiling at me...how I miss all that just like the journey from Swiss to Italy...those were beautiful moments...never failed to receive sms from the backseat chum...but now, I'm all alone in my room and my days are spent waiting and waiting for news, for calls, for sms...I know my dear, you are enjoying every single second...how fortunate and propitious she is..on the other hand, I'm anxious and nervy...I wonder if you ever think of me every step of the way you are without me...I wonder if you ever know how I am feeling...longing for time when we can be together again vacationing, and yet you get to go alone without me...I'm so heart-rended...

Mon poulet...I will forever reminisce the three precious and cherished weeks and I am still waiting for those days to come again, although they may not be the same coz things changed...until that time shows its face, I am pretty hurt, je suis blesse......

Shattered!!!

What does hurt mean? It is very, very subjective...For me, people may think they know me well but...

In my very own dictionary, the definition of hurt is:-

H - Having
U - Uncalled for
R - Ruffled
T - Treatment

Why is it that we always want the best for somebody and yet we are the one who suffer the most...

Why is it that at the absence of wealth and riches, people are more than willing to gamble their love and put their well-nurtured and unique relationship at stake...

I hope when the day that I've been waiting for, the day of glory, comes showing its face, things will be different and my cherished old friend will transform into somebody very dear that I used to know very well, somebody that I really, really miss and gosh...I can't wait for that someone to reappear in my life...really miss that "individual" so much...

The Cost of Waiting

Do u know what it feels to wait for something that never happens in the end? That's y my blog is titled that way...I am a person who likes to make people happy, likes to fulfill my promise and more than willing to do just anything...but is it too much to ask for something small in return...I just don't understand y people can give so much excuses to the point that they can really hurt people that are close to them...I can understand excuses where a person has got to do what a person's got to do...but I don't understand that sometimes just a simple small deed can't be accomplished because of too many tasks...where there's a will, there's DEFINITELY A WAY....doesn't it...I just detest waiting coz it consumes too much of my emotion...I used to wait a lot but it all concluded with happy endings, with promises kept...but as time passes, things change...but this same old me is still the same me...always hoping, always waiting, always full of love, devotion and faith...yet, i am now waiting for something with no return...

I'm not a pompuous, swollen with pride and conceited type of person...in fact I guess I'm a humble and modest kind of person despite all the worldly belongings, my versatility and ability...and I guess only certain selected few that have the privilege of acquiring my unending and torrential love...and YET, some seldom grasp and recognize the value of the advantage and the honor...maybe they forget to ponder that and always think that things will always work that way...as for me, all I want is for them to know how to treat and nurture my heart by just doing very undemanding and effortless action...is it too difficult???

In reality, this me myself and I, really realize that I am in a secondary position when in comes to ***** no matter what I do, no matter what I sacrifice for, no matter how hard I try, I will always fall second and never will I become a priority...y? Bcoz I choose that kind of life though it wasn't me who initiated it and thus, I have to bow to it and just endure...notwithstanding that, I still will be me...I will still do everything I can even if the treatment that I received is unequivalent...

This me has a lot of responsibilities on my shoulder and yet still very precise and conscientious about my "extra" responsibilities...my only hope...I will be loved, appreciated and valued FOREVER!!!