Hurt...the sequel

Wow, it seems years that I last wrote here...there are too many things in my life to attend to that I just couldn't spend my time for my blog...How do I start...

Time really flies, so fast like the blink of my eye...soon will be my birthday again...the past one year has been a rollercoaster ride for my emotions...early of the year was like very good...work was fine...but why can't disputes be brought to an end...actually it takes two to tango, doesn't it...one party should know by now how to halt disappointment and frustration once you see the sign...instead, now, most of the time, that party will only splash flavour to the dissatisfaction...and me, I don't have the freedom to say what I feel to my partner now...how bad could that be...who then should I talk to...

Sarcasm is thrown more often than not...no more affection to my pouring of heartfelt...no more listening ears that all the while have been my reassurance that alleviate all the strains of life...where are those warm and tender care that have comforted me in the cold nights and lonely weekends...are they gone forever or gradually saying goodbye to me...

Now, I more than realise who I am...I realise he can never be around whenever I need him most...I realise I don't have the privileges I thought I would enjoy...I realise I would always be crying alone in my bed...I realise whenever I miss him the most, I would never have the courage or freedom to get in touch with him...I realise he is never mine to start with...and most importantly, I realise, things WOULD NEVER be the same again...he WOULD NEVER be the person he was...even if I shed bloody tears...

My D:-

1. Never finds the time for calls or messages in weekends or long holidays or even when he's alone or when he's out of the house...

2. Seldom gives comforting words, yet, hurls wounding and spiteful words...

3. Doesn't enjoy his leisure time by spending it with me not like he used to...

4. Always finds excuses to be away or to be disconnected from me...how could he...

5. Hides things from me...

6. The person I'm closest with, the person I love the most and the person I admire and value a lot, the person I thought is mine all along, never would I thought he would do things he had done...this is the first time I mention in this blog though it had happened long time ago, in Dec 2008...all this while, he was very faithful to me and why suddenly there was an episode that had slashed and mutilated my feelings...until now I have never found the answer of why that drama ever started suddenly in that dreary December when I was so occupied, trying hard to maintain our name as champions...yet what did he do??? What really disappointed me are two things...

a) It happened when he was in a constraint and restriction towards me...yet he was more than willing to have time to be in call, text and email to a very non-related party...why and why?

b) He did not try hard to convince me otherwise like I always did when trusts became vague...

But I have forgiven you D...but I still hope that one day you would answer all the questions that keep on lingering on my mind for 1.5 years...I just can't even glimpse at that particular party...

I feel I am the gal that would do anything just anything at all for you, and do them really well...but do you see all that...yes I know appreciations are present, but do I deserve to be treated the way I was treated?

Everytime I felt like leaving everything, I would always remember the time we were together especially the 3 blissful weeks...that would stop me from making decisions based on my emotions...worse still, when I am alone thinking and waiting for you, every tiny details of our memories just came by, and it hurts more and more coz I know, the perfect moment would never come again, no matter how hard I wish it would...coz you are not you that I know anymore...even if it happens, it would never be the same...

I know that I'm waiting and hoping for something that has no ends...with all the reasons, I really understand...reasons are reasons and there are always means to dispute or defy the reasons...but it all takes effort and I don't see that coming now or in the near future...I'm just lost sometimes, do not know the purposes of my life anymore, all I know now is I want to make other person happy and I never care about my very own wellbeing...I still care for you like I have been all this while and I will gladly make sacrifices for you dear...

All I ask is a little care and love...coz I do not wish to have the third sequel in this hurt chapter...