Independence Day...

31st Aug is our country's Independence Day...it was also 12 years ago, the day Lady Diana died in a terrible accident...it was also 2 years ago I celebrated it happily at my daughters' school...life was good and pleasant then...I am actually writing about this month of independence...

My life has come to a "real super independent" came 15 Aug 2009...it was also supposed to be our mini anniversary, so to call...what does independent mean to me?

1. I have to do every single thing myself, be it a man's job...do I have a choice?
2. I have to bear all the responsibilities...
3. I have to always be available for my kids whenever they need me and fulfill their wishes as much as possible to the best I can......
4. My emotional burden is more, no shoulders to cry on when I'm alone at night...
5. My sense of wanting to be cared for and be loved shoots up...
6. I have to work doubly hard...
7. Fewer people to call "relatives"...

I am a strong lady, am I not? Without a doubt, but I always lose to my emotions...I am an iron person in front of my clients, but when I'm alone, only God knows what I am facing all this while...can D understand this wound aching inside me...

That's y D, I always have high expectations of you, but you may not realise and always take it wrongly...all I want is a little kindness and appreciation and a shower of affection plus some extra attention...is that too much to ask?

My life now is not flatlined...sometimes I feel the worst, at my wit's end, but it's always opposite when I'm occupied and really engrossed with my job, talking to my clients, of course...and with you D, it can be on either extreme, thus, you do play a role in determining and moulding my disposition and frame of mind...please D, it's for our benefits...I need you to lend me a hand on this...

Independence that is...I guess I'll get used to it, after all, I have been independent throughout my life, being alone without parents and siblings although this kind of independence is somewhat different...only those who have gone through this will know...imagine breaking fast in a very solemn mode, sahur in a very hushed and tacit surroundings...

Independent I am...

Of Birthdays N Anniversaries...

A new day has just shown its face minutes ago...and what day is it today? 12 Aug...the day that I looked forward every year eversince ... ??? And yet again this 12 Aug has disappointed me in every way...I guess I just have to wait for another 365 days...maybe next 12 Aug would be different...would be to my liking...

All I want is just a small fraction of his time to cherish together during this meaningful day, especially if it's of a certain number...40 that is...I know to him, birthday celebrations are meaningless, but not to me...birthdays and anniversaries are the days I look forward to every year...it's the time of joy and delight...especially of my dear ones'...but today or yesterday to be exact, I failed again...I failed to fulfil my valued wishes, again...of course I have to realise who I am in reality and that I should give way to the most "deserving"...who am I to dispute...I just wonder, when? Or perhaps, never...after all, I always get the second best don't I...

With me, it's always "no"...
With me , it's always "cannot"...
With me, it's always "I try"...
With me, it's always "maybe"...
With me, it's always "I don't know"...

But for you, it's always "yes"...
For you, it's always "can"...
For you, it's always "I will"...
For you, it's always "of course"...
For you, it's always "sure"...

D, my LI...I can feel that things have changed a lot with u...I longed for the time then when everything was on our side, when happiness was within our strong grasp...when fun was the game...when hardship and destitution were not in our dictionary...when reality was parallel to fantasy...

Now I feel deprived of love, care, tenderness, gentle and thoughtful words and emphatic whispers...that's all I ask for, can u give it to me D, can u?

D, my LI, wishing u a wonderful and elated birthday...may u be prosperous all your life...I'll always be there for you no matter what...