Today is the last day of June...why is June so special and memorable? June is the month I was born, June is the month when lifetime promises made official, June is when my life was shattered and promises wiped-out...but I was more than prepared to face it all...But today, I was stung and my feeling wounded beyond repair or healing...my life has been a wonderful journey though it was not smooth and velvety all the way, until today, 30th June 2009...I just found out the truth, the truth that I fear most...
Tell me, how am I supposed to go on...when affection and devotion were overly poured...when sacrifices were never worn out and exhausted...the "someone" that all this while I thought I could depend on...that I thought would never hurt me either intentionally or otherwise...that I always feel deep down belongs to me...but today, this tuesday has proven everything that I felt lately though it was strongly objected by that someone...I'm negative? Really? Doesn't he know that he is my strength, my true affection, my inspiration...
Today, I get to know that promises can simply be made, words can simply be uttered, dreams can simply be created...but now I do realise that those actions only happen during happy and blissful moments and can easily be forgotten in testing and distressing times...today I feel I lost a very precious thing in my life, when I just lost a big piece of thing just weeks earlier...today I feel I lost everything, my beautiful memories, my hope, my dreams...really, why should I feel so dejected and down in the dumps when I have already expected all these...maybe because I still believe in him...I still believe that I could get the best of him...
Today I feel very thwarted and let down with the reaction I received from him...after all that we've been through, I do not think I deserve this...after all, I'm the sole person that is around through thick or thin, through difficult and happy times, through laughter and sadness...despite everything, I am still here, never let temptations break through me to deviate away and away far from him...never, but today... why does he have the heart to say things that would hurt me, the person so close...why is he more than ever willing to let me go with the reason that I have to find the ultimate happiness...why does he ever regret what we have had...
Everything that happened to me, is from God, and I accept with open heart, and the consequences are all against me, and yet, I NEVER ever regret evertyhing that I've been through...not like him...who in reality, a very sensible, reliable and responsible individual, but........
Tonight when I'm all alone in my secure room, is the time when I feel the most stirred...I can only pray and hope that I am granted the strength to carry on with my life, a new life, a life full of unanswered questions...and to regain intensity in being engrossed in my career...from now on I can continue dreaming and hoping but different kind of dreams and hopes...because I'm just a solitary soul who wants to be loved and cared for...but solitary soul indeed...
